Between vertigo and breaking a molar in half, I’ve hit a few roadblocks in working on yon novel. It’s interesting, though, when pain helps and when it hinders.
See, I suffer from depression. It paralyzes me when it hits. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t deal with people. Any kind of social interaction drains me. My hollow heart swallows any emotion; only desperation claws its way out of that shaft.
Yet, when I’m feeling down, that’s when I often do some of my best writing. I spill that desperation onto the page. Black feelings become dark jottings become anxiety-ridden fictions.
Look, depression sucks. I don’t recommend you look into renting space in the depression apartments. But at least for me, I’ve been able to harness those dark times, even while combating them through self-care and medication.
But for about the last week, I’ve been able to do little-to-no writing. Why? Oh, vertigo.
Dizziness really shouldn’t leave me unable to turn disconnected words into paragraphs that take readers to other worlds. However, through the day, my brain is working overtime to just be able to function. It’s learned how to work through the depression; this dizziness is new. So the brain needs to adjust. And by noonish, I’m so exhausted that words don’t word in my wordhole anymore.
This last week a therapist who specializes in vertigo was finally able to see me; she thinks I’ll be facing this for about another month.
But, on the other hand, my brain may be finally adjusting. I’m not as tired as I have been.
And now… a broken tooth!
Apparently it’s just not my month.
The pain really stops my words from wording; concentration just doesn’t happen. Right now I’m relatively pain-free, so I’m capable of writing this little note. But tackling a novel of over 100,000 words? Revising, polishing, all that? It simply takes more brain cells than I can get into a line at the moment.
I’m currently a writer without words.
That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around, though. When my brain decides that it can function at a higher level than, “Lie down good don’t move,” I’ve been watching videos on publishing. I’ve been researching best practices for manuscripts. I’ve also been attempting to just read fiction again, as my fiction input had slowed down quite a bit in recent months. If I can’t make words go, I can get fuel for words when the brain shifts into gear again.
But I do need to get past this. You know what a writer is?
Someone who writes.
And currently I’m not writing. My WIP has been stagnant for a week, and I’ve got a few short stories I really want to get out as well. While I’m certainly doing writing-related things, I’m not writing. It’s kind of like the difference between watching cooking channels on Youtube and actually making a cake. Related, but not the same.
So while my pain has paused me, this can’t continue for long. Time to find a way to work through the pain or get rid of the pain.
Because I’m a writer. I write. It’s what I do.